I start a new job on Wednesday as a project manager in Disaster Recovery at GlaxoSmithKline. The offices are a 5 minute drive from my house - astounding!

The night too quickly passes

And we are growing old,

So let us fill our glasses

And toast the Days of Gold;

When finds of wondrous treasure

Set all the South ablaze,

And you and I were faithful mates all through the Roaring Days.

Henry Lawson, "The Roaring Days"

How can they not have cottage cheese?

So here I am trying to move to a healthier diet. More fruit and vegetables, less bread and pasta, you know the drill. So I was shopping at Tesco's and for crying out loud, they don't sell plain cottage cheese.

They sell disgusting low-fat cottage cheese with it's plastic texture and taste. They sell plain low fat cottage cheese, low-fat cottage cheese with cheddar, with pineapple (and lots of pineapple juice to make it a soggy goo), with alien vegetable combos, and with corn and tuna and sweet chili - I can't even begin to describe how revolting that sounds to me. And yes, they do sell one variety of regular cottage cheese - with added creme fraiche - which makes it a loose, liquidy, creamy strangeness, tasting like you are eating lumpy cream, forget the cotage cheese.

Ugh! All I wanted was some plain regular cottage cheese to provide protein for my lunches.

But no, not in 3rd world Britain.

You can't even trust your familiar old brands to be safe here - they "localise" the recipes. Thus Cheerios that are sweet from the box, 7UP that is tooth achingly sweet, Heinz ketchup and Hellman's mayonaise that have strong distinct vinegar tangs.

It's not that I am being jingoistic about American products. It's quite a different story on the other side of the channel in France and Belguim ( not to mention Switzerland). Asti & I routinely do day trips over the Channel and shop in the French Hypermarts or the Bruges farmers market and their food is gorgeous.

I've heard a lot of talk about the "New British Cooking" all full of self-praising accolates. It's rubbish. Whatever they make might manage to look pretty but by and large it tastes pretty mediocre or gross. (We won't even start with the cost of food here because that itself is enough to sicken you!)

Not to say you can't go to some restaurants and find fantastic food. You can. We do. I just had dim sum at Yauatcha in Broadwick Street, Soho, London. Oh my god it's fantastic. Must orders: baked venison puffs, almond prawns - and the beef ho fun is to die for!

But sometimes all you want is some cottage cheese for a simple lunch with sliced fresh fruit on top. And fuggeddaboudit, it ain't happening here.